


believing the things that we don’t see

by Unthread (Threadcloud)



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, Drinking Games, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-01 21:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17251985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Threadcloud/pseuds/Unthread
Summary: Alternative title: Best Friends Play Truth or Drink | Buzzfeed Edition.Asking your best friend/crush intrusive questions for a Youtube video is all part of the job description at Buzzfeed.





	believing the things that we don’t see

**Author's Note:**

> The questions in this fic are outright taken from the Best Friends Play Truth or Drink video made by the Cut Youtube channel. It just seemed like a video Buzzfeed would do, and of course, I couldn't stop thinking about Ryan and Shane doing it, so here I am.
> 
> Title is from Better Things by Passion Pit.
> 
> *Real people at Buzzfeed do not interact*

 

It’s nighttime when Ryan is tidying up his room and he knocks a mirror out of its lean on the wall. He grumbles at himself as he cleans it all up and goes to sleep with only a tiny niggling of worry. A part of him knowing some superstitions are complete baloney, but knowing that if he ever saw a ladder leaning on a wall, he would go out of his way to not walk under it.

He forgets all about it when he wakes up the next morning and his day starts out perfectly. He’s slept peacefully, the Californian sky is a powder blue, the sun partly covered by the clouds just as he likes it. He doesn’t even need to touch his hair too much and it looks effortlessly stylish. 

There’s an actual bounce in his step, which is why when he walks into work and sees Curly shine him a smile, Ryan fails to see it for what it truly is.

“Someone looks happy today,” Curly says, and Ryan gives him a smile back, he makes his way to the break room for some coffee and Curly follows behind him.

He tells Ryan about a video that gained a lot of traction in just one day, and has Ryan seen it, yet? It’s nothing too original or unconventional, but there’s some talk of having Shane and him in it to get it to expand as a full-on series, and what does Ryan think?

“It was Ladylike’s idea, so they’re going to be producing it.” Curly sing-songs the last part like that will be the hook to get Ryan to sign up.

Ryan doesn’t really have to think much about it, “Why not?” he grins. “Their videos are always fun.”

Curly smiles triumphantly, and keeps smiling as they walk back to their desks. It’s only after Ryan is sitting down that he wonders why Curly asked him to participate when he’s not even a part of Ladylike.

 

Ryan’s day devolves into a disaster of unprecedented magnitudes.

They’re all reconvened at one of the shooting rooms, one side has a white table and two chairs facing each other with the camera equipment trained on it. The other side has the crew gathered around another table full of snacks and coffee. They are almost finished setting up, and Ryan is trying to get his mind into camera mode.

“I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in my life.” He hears Jen say. “I love Kristin, don’t get me wrong, but some of these questions were _too_ much.”

“Eh, I don’t know.” Kristin chimes in, “I think if we had been alone, and not doing this for a job, it would have been ok. It made me learn so much about you, Jen” she says with a grin.

Jen groans, “Ugh, please don’t…” but her mouth is quirking up and she’s giving Kristin an embarrassed smile anyway.

The way Jen and Kristin are talking about the video is making him a little nervous if he’s being honest with himself.

Ryan looks over to Shane who is talking to Chantel. He’s setting a variety of alcohol and other drinks on the center table and Ryan tries not to get distracted by the way his fingers fold around the neck of the bottles, or by the way he delicately handles the shot glasses while making them look tiny in his big hands. He looks around and focuses on the white wall contemplating how the colorful liquid contrasts against the wall staging. Yes, very artsy.

“Woof,” he hears Curly say from behind him.

Ryan jumps, startled, “Did you just fucking bark?” 

Curly rolls his eyes at him.

“You know, Ryan, I’ve always wanted to climb a tree.” He says ignoring the gibe and throwing Ryan off completely from this already weird start to their conversation.

“You’ve never climbed a tree before? I do it all the time.” This remark elicits a few titters from Jenn, “You know, gotta live a little?”

“Oh, you climb big trees all the time now? Do tell.” Curly is looking straight at Shane when he says this, and Ryan’s brain is connecting the dots slowly, eyes widening, and his face flushing in embarrassment.

“Look at him with that stupid Hawaiian shirt.” Curly sighs dreamily.

Ryan is tempted to sigh with him too, agree that the way that shirt hangs a bit loose about Shane’s collarbones is the stuff of Ryan’s dreams, but he doesn’t want to add any fuel to Curly’s amusement.

He regrets getting drunk together that one time, being dragged to a club because _It’s my birthday, baby!_ He regrets having made out with some 6’3 guy on the sole basis that he reminded Ryan of Shane just a little bit with his big hands and his floppy hair, and he also, most of all, regrets telling Curly anything about his interest in _big guys_. Because he can’t be squirming about this now, not when he has to shoot a video with Shane about some embarrassing, personal introspections if Jenn’s comments are anything to go by.

“What are you even doing here?” Ryan bristles.

“I helped with writing some of these questions, you know?” And this blasé statement makes little warning bells go off in Ryan’s head. Personal introspective questions written by Curly… That doesn’t sound good.

Jen laughs, “So did a bunch of other people, and they’re not here!”

“Ok, you got me, I just wanted front row seats to the action.” Curly winks.

The video is supposed to be one of the firsts for a new series called Truth or Drink. Ryan agreed to be in it because Curly said the Ladylike crew was going to direct it, and he trusts Jen and everyone else in it to not fuck him over. He also agreed because when playing Truth or Drink, the people playing are usually the ones who have to come up with the questions, they’re not written out already, much less by Curly whom he suspects is in this to get Ryan to _come out_ of his shell a little bit.

Ryan doesn’t want to come out of any shells today. Ryan got trashed that time at the club because Shane mentioned that he had a date, and that small comment had felt like a slap to his face. He can’t be pining after someone as unavailable and uninterested as Shane. He can’t play a drinking game designed to be flirty with Shane, period. Maybe he should leave. He’s sure his face looks panicked enough that he could get away with feigning a sickness.

“Relax, baby.” Curly gentles, placing a hand placatingly on Ryan’s shoulder.

Ryan feels a murderous need to smack him-

“Ow!”

“Don’t call me baby. Your baby calling privileges have been revoked this instant.”

Curly looks shocked, he places a palm to his chest, “Oh, baby, you wouldn’t!”

“I just did.” He sees everyone else getting to their respective stations. He knows he can’t leave, he already agreed, and he can’t disappoint everybody and their hard work going into today’s video. Because they all think of Ryan as one of the most diligent people working at BuzzFeed, and they would all be too understanding if he lied about being sick. He can’t do it.

He needs something to hold on to quickly, to soothe his spinning thoughts, “Jen, please tell me exactly what I’m getting myself into.” he almost whines.

Jen is fleeing behind the cameras, following Kristin, “I can’t Ryan! Them’s the rules,” She shoots him an apologetic smile, “But it’s really nothing too bad.”

“You can always take a shot.” Curly says before he also scurries behind the camera.

Ryan turns around to see Shane already seated at the table waiting for him to join, looking extremely nonchalant and unaware of Ryan’s turmoil.

“Do _I_ still get to call you baby?” Shane says.

What a mess Ryan’s gotten himself into.

 _Yeah, duh._ He wants to answer instead of, “Only mama Bergara gets to call me baby.”

“Yikes! Wouldn’t want to steal the privilege from her.” Shane mock-grumbles.

“Shut up, Shane.” Ryan sighs wearily.

“Ok, guys. Cameras will go on in 3, 2, 1…” Kristin says signaling with three fingers.

“Please introduce yourself, and tell us how long you’ve been friends for.”

Shane makes a gesture for Ryan to speak first, putting him in the metaphorical spotlight. And here it is, it’s started. These are only questions to get to know Shane better. They spend so much time together already, he wonders if there’s any much more he can learn about the guy. But then again, there’s so much that Shane doesn’t know about Ryan. There’s a version of Ryan Shane hasn’t seen that makes out with guys in clubs sometimes. That worries if maybe he looked at Shane for too long, or said something too _gay_. Ryan has learned to give heartfelt compliments to Shane without making his voice sound too fond, his eyes too captivated. It’s a constant, unrelenting struggle.

Ryan didn’t mean to, but somewhere along the way, Shane got a carefully curated version of Ryan Bergara to be friends with. Because he must not know the part of Ryan that is head over fucking heels for him. It’s like all of Ryan has been soaked in his feelings for Shane, and Ryan is desperately trying to hide it every time they show through.

And Curly- Curly is his friend. He wouldn’t do something to humiliate Ryan. He trusts in this and so begins to speak, “I’m Ryan, you guys probably know me from Unsolved, and this is Shane, my co-host. We are going to be playing Truth or Drink.”

“We’ve been friends for- for maybe four to five years?” Shane says, “I’d say we’ve been best friends since we started doing Unsolved.”

“Yeah, we’ve had many a sleepover.”

“We’re basically inseparable!”

“Alright, big guy, don’t get too ahead of yourself.”

Shane laughs, it’s so easy to make him laugh. Ryan thinks about how no one else laughs at his jokes the way Shane does. Full bodied, eyes looking surprised before crinkling small.

Kristin then tells them to pick out their first question.

“Alright,” Ryan makes a show of cracking his neck and rolling his shoulders. More for the camera, but also to psyche himself up, “If somebody offered you one million dollars to never talk to me again, would you take it?” Ryan raises an eyebrow, _Oh, not bad!_

“I mean, here’s the thing,” Shane says, smiling at Ryan’s affronted face, “No, just- Listen! If I took the money, how would they stop me from never speaking to you again?”

“That’s not the question, Shane.”

“Like, would they have a sniper trained on me at all times and the moment I talk to you I die?”

“Oh my god,” Ryan wheezes.

“I’m just going, ‘Hey buddy long time no see-’ and then just,” Shane puts his hands to his chest, his eyes widening dramatically, “I get straight up shot.”

Ryan laughs loudly, “Oh my god, just answer the question.” And he hates how fond he sounds for such a little thing, “Anyway, I think it’d be more of a court situation. They sue your ass for breach of contract or something.”

“So they’d _still_ have someone tailing me 24/7,” Shane says resignedly.

“Yeah, I guess so, or-”

“Can you nerds get on with it!” Jen yells off-camera.

“Fine! No, I wouldn’t take the stupid money.” Shane says like it’s no big deal.

Ryan’s belly still feels a little warm at the admission. He tries to not look too pleased. Pleased, yes, but not _too_ pleased.

“Aww, thanks, big guy.”

“Don’t be silly, the ghoul boys have an unbreakable bond, that’s what you said.” Shane smiles shyly at Ryan, Ryan smiles back. The warmth in his belly settles down to a thrumming the longer he looks at Shane. It almost makes him dizzy.

“Alright, next question,” Kristin says.

Shane picks out a card, Ryan drums his fingers on the table as Shane slowly reads it to himself first, then out loud, “Have you ever had a crush on someone I’ve been with?"

This should be a short answer, “Nope.” Ryan smirks for the camera, he doesn’t want to convey the awkwardness that the question could cause. Shane never went out with anyone after Sara, and Ryan doesn’t know about anyone before her either.

Shane looks at the camera, “Do you hear that, Sara? Ryan doesn’t think you’re hot!”

“That’s not true!” Ryan scrambles to look at the camera too, “Sara, you know I think you’re beautiful!”

“He didn’t say hot though.” And while being an insufferable asshole, Ryan is glad he can now joke about her like this.

“Ugh,” Ryan takes another card, not bothering for any preamble, “Have you ever disliked someone I’ve been with?”

Shane takes a beat to answer.

“Define dislike.” He says.

Ryan’s mouth drops open, “What? Who was it?” He hasn’t even gone out with a lot of people anyway, and they’ve all come and gone from his life pretty quickly. Shane never seemed interested when Ryan introduced his new partners to him, either, so what the hell? This is all news to Ryan.

Shane sighs, “I didn’t dislike them, per se, It’s more like I didn’t approve of them. You sometimes attract a certain kind of person.”

“What kind of person?”

“The kind that’s-” Shane moves around in his seat, rearranging his legs, “They kind of see you like a piece of meat.”

Shane looks uncomfortable, and Ryan has a burning curiosity to know why.

“Are you saying that they were so blinded by my hot bod, that they couldn’t look past it to my beautiful soul?” Ryan says, only half joking. He didn’t realize Shane felt like this about his previous relationships.

“That’s not-” Shane looks pained, “Anyway, I answered the question, my turn.”

Ryan snorts, “Yeah, Ok.”

“What are some of the things I do to let you know I’m mad without having to say anything?” Shane raises his eyebrow like he doesn’t know what Ryan is going to say.

Ryan isn’t sure he knows what to say. Shane keeps his emotions close. He has a good grasp on how to control them, quite the opposite to himself. Like he’s afraid of people knowing which one he’s having at any given time. Although, with Ryan, those fears seem to be disappearing with time.

“You don’t get mad very often…” he begins, “But when you do, you get quiet, removed. If I keep trying to talk to you, you get snippy and defensive… But ultimately you get over it pretty quickly, and I feel like once time passes you feel bad about getting mad in the first place which is-” his voice is soft like he’s talking about something secret. And Shane is looking at him. He’s just looking, and Ryan is all warm under his gaze. He lets his sentence trail off unfinished, suddenly embarrassed.

“Why does it feel like we’re at couple’s therapy?” Ryan attempts to laugh.

“Which is?” Shane says.

“What?”

“You didn’t finish what you were saying, what were you going to say?” Shane asks, oddly quiet.

“Which is- which is dumb, I was going to say.”

Shane laughs like it’s been surprised out of him. Small and breathy. “You’re dumb,” he says softly.

The way Shane breathes out those words has Ryan’s hands sweating. This is getting too… Too something it shouldn’t be. These questions are breaking something delicate between them, and Ryan isn’t sure he’s ready for it.

“How come we haven’t taken a drink yet?” Ryan eyes the bottles next to his arm. They’d be a great service to his nerves right now.

“We’re just too good at this, baby!”

From across the room, Curly shouts, “How come he gets to call you baby, and I don’t!”

Ryan laughs, silently cursing Curly to be quiet and takes another card.

“Alright, Shane. How would you describe me to someone who’s never met me?"

Shane looks serious as he licks his lips. Ryan tracks the movement and- Wow, he really needs a drink, maybe he shouldn’t answer the next question no matter how easy it is and take a shot. Maybe sneak a second.

“I’d say…” Shane sighs.

“Come on, is it really that hard to describe me?” Ryan says. He hopes he doesn’t sound too eager to know.

“No, just- Shut up,” and, “You’re kind of too big.” Shane finally says, and Ryan has no clue what that’s supposed to mean.

“What?”

“I mean- You’re too much. You’re always too much. You have a big laugh, big emotions all on display, and it’s like you take up all this space… people can’t help looking at you.” says Shane.

“Are you insulting me or complimenting me right now?”

“I’m complimenting you.” Shane says, and as an afterthought, “Fuck you for asking that.”

Ryan smiles ignoring that last part, “That’s actually kind of sweet.”

“I’d also say you’re a big moron who believes in ghosts.” Shane smiles back.

“Oh, fuck you, man. Go back to being sweet with me.”

Shane winks, “Sure thing, baby.” and his ears tint pink the slightest amount as he laughs.

His ears are pink, and that’s so adorable, Ryan could die.

Here’s the thing, Shane has to stop. He has to stop calling him baby or Ryan will combust in this chair. Also, he has to stop winking. And laughing like that. And wearing those stupid Hawaiian shirts that show off his collarbones or Ryan will be the next victim of spontaneous human combustion and he’ll be featured in the first and last ever BuzzFeed Solved. Then everyone will know it only took alcohol and repressed burning desire to set him aflame. The catalyst- Shane’s ears turning pink. And Shane might wonder what happened, but Curly will know, he can fill everyone in.

Shane looks at his next card and smiles, “Alright, Ryan, this is an easy one.” he says with confidence in his eyes, “What’s something you’d want to change about me?”

“Nothing,” Ryan replies easily.

Shane blinks, “Nothing?”

Ryan should have put more thought into that, perhaps. He’s slipping. He makes to say something about Shane and his skepticism, but when Ryan sees the tiny, pleased smile on Shane’s face, he finds that he doesn’t actually want to.

“No, man. You’re great.” And he really means it. He wouldn’t change anything about Shane.

“You wouldn’t change my thoughts on ghosts being just the wind?” Shane asks, incredulously.

“Of course not. I want to prove that ghosts are real to you, where’s the fun in taking that away from me?” Ryan thinks about adding in some kind of insult to his sentence, be a little mean for the banter, it might be better for the video if he does, but in the end, he finds he doesn’t want to do that either.

“Oh, ok,” Shane says flippantly, but Ryan knows he’s anything but, “That’s good.”

Ryan loves the smile that’s currently on Shane’s face. He wants it there all the time. He wants to be the one who puts it there, he wants to be the one it’s directed to. The way Shane’s eyes crinkle is what could inspire him to write poetry. The mole on the corner of his eye taking center stage, he imagines. Shane who looks so pleased with knowing that Ryan likes him exactly as he is…

Kristin clears her throat, and it throws Ryan off because he didn’t realize he had been quietly staring at Shane’s face and his smile. He whips his head to look at her behind the camera.

“Why don’t we take a break?” Kristin asks, “We’re halfway done with the questions, let’s go have lunch and come back in an hour.”

It kind of feels like she’s sending him a godsend. Ryan takes it gratefully.

 

* 

 

The weather is still beautiful even for a spring day in California when they go out to eat. Ryan is lost in thought looking at Shane talking to Kristin when Jen tugs on his shirt sleeve to get his attention.

“It’s been a while since we last hung out together.” She says.

He agrees with her. It’s a downside of Unsolved and Ladylike taking off. He misses her; Jen is like a summer breeze, with her sunny countenance and easy jokes.

Ryan bumps their shoulders together, smiling when she bumps him back.

He can tell there’s something bothering her in the way her smile slowly drops away and her eyebrows knit together. She’s fiddling with her hands. Ryan waits for her to say what she’s struggling with.

“I didn’t know you felt that way about him.” She says all too quickly as if she wouldn’t have gotten the words out at all otherwise. Ryan, of course, knows exactly what she means. His face, or as Shane calls it, his big emotions probably let the cat out of the bag for the world to see.

“I didn’t know about it either until recently, but it’s something that’s been there all along, I suppose,” Ryan says carefully.

“But you… do?” Says Jen, “Feel about him that way, I mean.”

“Yeah.” He attempts a smile, “It sucks.”

She doesn’t smile back, ever the honest person that she is. She only looks at him, and his lips wobble down to a thin line.

“It’s been so long since we did the last Test Friends video,” she says, “You didn’t look at him like that back then.”

“No, and I try so hard not to, but-”

“But you can’t help it, can you?” Jen smiles, “I’ve been in love, I know how it is.”

Ryan laughs brightly, hearing it be said out loud feels much better than he thought, “You should see how much editing I have to do for Unsolved over this.”

She sighs, “You’ve got it bad, don’t you."

She chews on her lip, her eyes serious, on Ryan’s, “Look, I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think you should do this video anymore. I was able to answer the next questions because Kristin is my best friend, and I know that we’ll be laughing about it all in the years to come. But the thing is, I’m not-”

“You’re not in love with her,” Ryan finishes for her.

“No, I’m not.” They’re almost at the restaurant, this little reprieve on its way to its end. “The questions are going to be different after this break, Ryan. And I’m not the only one who’s noticed, even Curly and Kristin were giving each other looks.”

“Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me. I need to kill Curly.”

“I’m serious! I don’t think he knew the extent of your feelings either. We could all see the attraction before, but I feel like this past hour has made it obvious that _feelings_ \- heavy feelings- are involved."

They’ve arrived at the restaurant. Everyone else has taken their seats, and it’s only him and Jen lagging behind at the entrance. He thinks of telling her that maybe she’s right. He should pretend to be sick like he originally planned to, but before he can say it, Shane yells, asking them from where he’s seating if they’re going to eat standing up.

Ryan gives him the finger. _Shane is such an ass…_ He thinks affectionately.

He turns to Jen and says, “He’s my best friend, I want to laugh about this with him somewhere down the line too. My feelings are- I don’t want my feelings to get in the way of that- of us.” he lowers his voice, “As long as I don’t have to tell him I’m in love with him, we’ll be fine.”

He makes his way to the table and doesn’t turn to look at Jen’s worried face.

  

*

 

Something Ryan didn’t think to ask himself until now was, why did Shane agree to be in this video? Shane with all his Midwestern discretion and subtleties laying out his feelings about their friendship in front of his coworkers and the camera- how did he feel about it all? Because while Shane is good at controlling and masking his emotions, he still feels them. He has them all the time! Ryan thinks of them like a geyser bubbling under the surface- as emphatic and strong as Ryan’s, only better hidden under all his layers. He keeps them close until he _has_ to let them out, and this video is all about letting them go. Flaunting them, showing them off.

Shane is sitting in front of him again. Does he know what he’s getting himself into?

“Now remember boys,” Kristin says, “We chose hard questions for a reason. This isn’t Truth or Truth, we can’t have you guys not take a shot at least once.”

“You hear that, Ryan?” And that’s a challenge if Ryan’s ever heard one.

Ryan raises his eyebrow in counter-challenge, “I did, big guy. You might want to start choosing your bottle.”

“Oh, look,” Shane points exaggeratedly, “Your favorite, good ol’ Zodiac vodka.”

“I’ve never even heard of it before,” Ryan sighs.

Ryan fills the two shot glasses with alcohol, gives one to Shane, “Let’s have a drink for now, we didn’t have any in the first part.”

Shane clinks their glasses together in cheers before they drink, “Three different price points,” he says.

They both snicker.

“Ok, let’s start,” says Kristin.

Ryan chances a look at Jen before he picks his card. She’s standing beside Kristin and Curly, her face looking unreadable, but her arms are crossed. Once she notices Ryan is looking at her, she gives him a tentative smile, one Ryan returns. This is his last chance to back-off. Say the food didn’t agree with him, or something…

But Ryan knows he’ll keep having these feelings for a long, long time. He’ll take Unsolved for as long as it will go, and he’ll keep working at BuzzFeed where scenarios like these will come up one after the other. And he doesn’t want to be afraid of Shane. He can’t be if he wants to keep their friendship alive. And like Shane wouldn’t take the million dollars to become rich, Ryan won’t take his chance at love and have them never speak again. He’ll just have to make the best of what’s to come, deal with it, and not let it ruin them.

He reads the card, “What was the moment we became best friends?”

“Can people usually pinpoint a moment like that?” Shane asks like it legitimately baffles him. Which, Ryan thinks, is a good point.

“I can’t think of an exact moment where I thought, ‘Oh, this is it, Ryan and I are BFFs forever-’”

“Alright, you don’t have to say it like that.” Ryan interrupts.

Shane wheezes.

“But! Somewhere along the way, man. Somewhere along the way, I didn’t want to seriously clock you on the head whenever you woke me up at three a.m.”

Ryan groans, “Shane, be serious.”

“I am!” Shane says affronted, “Well- ok. Somewhere along the way, we were spending all our time together. And you’re usually the first person I think of when I see something funny, and I want to show it to you to- to make you laugh, I guess.” he scratches his beard, looking down, like this admittance of feelings has been well out of his limits. Ryan thinks it’s endearing, somehow.

“Yeah, I- I feel the same way, big guy.” They’re getting mushy again, but Ryan can’t stop smiling at Shane. It’s second nature by now.

“Ok! My turn!” Shane says too enthusiastically.

Shane reads his card and stifles a laugh. He touches his fingers to his mouth and his cheeks become pink along with his ears. Ryan’s stomach is full of nerves.

“What’s my greatest asset, physically?” Shane wiggles his eyebrows.

Ryan has a second of panic where he looks at the bottle of Vodka on the table and pictures himself drinking it whole. A trip to the hospital would take him outta here fast. But Shane has this stupid smug smile on his face, a hand curled under his chin on purpose, and that show of self-satisfaction is what ends up grounding Ryan to the moment the most. At this point drinking the shot would be like plastering a ‘No homo’ sign to his forehead. It would be losing. He can’t no-homo his way out of this.

There’s quite a lot of choices to pick from, but he goes with the obvious one. This, at least Ryan knows, is a universally known fact. Everyone has heard Ryan fawn over Shane’s legs at least once.

“Your legs,” and his neck burns anyway, “they’re practically endless, and that’s something to admire.” It still sounds like he’s no-homoing a little, but he can’t help it.

Shane twists his lips, “Why do I feel like you got out of that one easily?”

“I have no clue what you mean.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Shane says mockingly, motioning Ryan to take another card with his hands.

Ryan can’t help it, he laughs at Shane’s annoyed face, and his annoyance only makes him laugh even more.

Which is why when he reads his card, he only finds it funny too, “Finish this for me, my favorite genre of porn is…”

“What the fuck, Ryan,” Shane says.

Ryan cackles, showing him the card, “It’s what it says!”

“Who came up with this, was it you, Curly?” Shane yells.

“Believe it or not, it wasn’t me!” Curly yells back.

Shane gives the sigh of a weary man, “Ryan, I don’t know. We’ve never discussed our porn preferences before.”

That is true, they’ve never talked about porn with each other. As open as they both were about sex and sexuality as a topic, it was just something they never broached upon with each other. Not that they could now, with how often tall men make a staple appearance in the porn Ryan watches these days.

“Knowing you, it’d probably be something creepy featuring aliens and butt probes or something.” Shane shrugs, “Or something incredibly vanilla.”

“Oh yeah? And what is that supposed to mean?” Ryan says mildly affronted.

“What, are you offended at the aliens or the vanilla stuff?”

“Both!” He’s only affronted because Shane got it right. The vanilla stuff, not the alien probes. So what if he wanted the guys railing each other to smooch with feeling, or look into each other’s eyes lovingly? He could get off to worse things.

Ryan continues, “Are you saying you’re not into vanilla stuff? What gets you off then?”

Shane’s eyes widen. _Oh shit…_

That was way out of no-homo territory.

Shane, if anything, looks far too red in the face. He’s blushing, and he won’t look anywhere near Ryan’s face. The shot glass near his arm is taking all of his attention.

“I don’t get off to anything,” he says. And Ryan’s mind is record-scratching because Shane just evaded the question with the worst lie he could have told.

“That’s the worst lie I’ve ever heard you say, man,” Ryan tells him, “Are you into the alien probes? Bigfoot cosplay porn?”

“Oh, shut up, Ryan.” And that’s weird. Something about the way Shane is not arguing back is weird. “It’s not my turn to answer, I can lie if I want.”

So weird…

“Shane… please,” Ryan pleads with fake emotion, “Please tell me you don’t get off to Bigfoot.”

Shane barks out a startled laugh, dissolving into giggles. Good. Weird porn preferences or not, it’s not cool to make him say it in front of the camera.

“I don’t get off to Bigfoot, he’s just a pal,” Shane snickers at his own joke and reads the next card. His smile drops, “Curly, I swear if you wrote this question-”

“Shane, it wasn’t me!” Curly shouts.

Shane shakes his head, “Ryan, have you ever caught me masturbating or having sex?”

It’s Ryan’s turn to blush.

“Ok, that one was me!” Curly shouts again. Ryan is going to throttle him.

Well, the question itself isn’t hard. But talking about these sorts of things with Shane is. It feels like they’re flirting. They bring forth images to his head Ryan can’t be thinking about too hard for fear of popping a boner. He’s never caught Shane masturbating, but he’s imagining it now, and he’s looking at Shane’s face at the same time. And that could have disastrous consequences, so he stops looking at him entirely.

He usually only imagines it when he’s alone, and sometimes he has porn running in the background. Maybe tall guy #1 on the screen looks a little bit like Shane and Ryan closes his eyes to pretend the sounds coming from his computer are actually-

Ryan pinches his nose with his fingers, “No. There is literally no way that could happen,” he says awkwardly. He can’t imagine they’ll be using this part in the video, but that’s not his problem.

“Yep,” Shane agrees. “Next question.”

“Jesus fucking-” Ryan groans, “Maybe I should have another shot.”

Shane snorts, “What is it? You are not even the one who has to answer it.”

“I’m going to drink some,” Ryan takes a shot of the alcohol. It burns going down his throat.

“Have you ever had a sex dream about me,” Shane’s mouth drops open as Ryan continues reading, “And if so, what happened?”

Shane doesn’t answer. Seconds pass, and still, Shane is silent.

“Shane?” Ryan asks tentatively.

“I need a drink too,” he finally says.

Ryan’s nerves are tangled all in his stomach again, “You’re not answering the question?”

“No, I’m-” Shane flounders, he pours his drink and throws it back, shuddering. “I mean, Ryan…”

And that’s- Shane’s never said his name like that. Almost in a whine. Ryan’s insides are smoldering.

Shane has had sex dreams about Ryan.

“You’ve dreamt about me?” he asks, and Shane’s hands are tight around his glass.

“I mean- Sure, yeah. But don’t, like flatter yourself, I spend so much time around you, it was bound to happen.”

Ryan’s neck is itchy with the sweat he feels running down his back, his blood is rushing to his ears and face, and he can only look at Shane. Shane who has succeeded in schooling his face to something almost impassive, but whose mouth and eyes give him away. Ryan has watched him so attentively, for so long, that he can tell when something is not as it should be.

And Ryan has dreamt about Shane too. He’s pleasured him and been pleasured back. The impressions of touch and breath and emotions so vivid he always wakes up embarrassed and with sticky sheets. Those days he fleetingly wishes he had never woken up.

Shane pauses in taking his card to say, “I already drank, so I’m not answering the rest of the question.” and there’s a minute shaking to his hand.

“Fair enough,” Kristin says quickly.

If they weren’t in front of the camera, Ryan would push to know the answer to the rest of the question. He would give a million dollars to know. He would ask Shane why his hands are shaking too.

Shane clears his throat, “If I killed someone, would you help me cover it up?” he sighs, “God, I’m so glad we’re out of the sex questions.”

Ryan takes a moment to answer, not really thinking about it, “I would absolutely hide a body for you.” because he’s thinking about the emotion Shane has been trying to cover all this time.

Shane looks pleasantly surprised, “You would?”

“Of course. If you killed someone, I’m sure they had it coming.” He says easily.

“Sounds like you have too much faith in me.” Shane sighs.

“Yeah, right. You’re the biggest marshmallow I know.” Ryan says, and Shane laughs. Brightly. Sweetly. Ryan wants to taste the sweetness of it against his tongue. “You’re an over-sized teddy bear.” And there’s the fondness, in full display. He won’t bother with hiding it. Not anymore.

“I’m black bear-sized, baby!”

“Whatever,” Ryan says, inexplicably still warm after that statement. It must be love.

Ryan has an inkling. Perhaps it’s hope what’s making his heart beat so fast. He takes the next question, and just as he thought- it’s a spicy one. Shane, it seems, doesn’t feel comfortable talking about Ryan and sex at the same time. Ryan needs to figure out why.

“Shane,” Ryan begins.

Shane’s leg jiggles under the table. Ryan can see it, he moves his leg a little bit forward, slightly thumps Shane’s knee with his own. It immediately becomes still.

“What would it take for us to have sex?”

Shane sits up straighter, dislodging his knee from Ryan’s. He laughs tensely, shortly. And Ryan recognizes it, the fear in him- it’s the same as the one he carries.

“Define sex,” Shane says nonsensically.

He’s about to reach for the bottle when Ryan grabs it. He is done with this video. He doesn’t care if it’s not entertaining anymore, he’ll apologize to Jen and Kristin some other time, but he wants to get Shane out of here first.

“Never mind, Shane.” Ryan takes a shot and drinks it, “I’m taking this one for you.”

Shane looks confused, “Um, ok?”

He looks at Kristin and Jen, and they both don’t say anything.

There’s only one card left, he’s ready for it.

Shane stares at his card, a burst of what could be a laugh escaping him.

“If you love me,” he throws his card to the table, “say it.”

Or not. He’s not ready for that. Not in front of the camera, their co-workers, for the internet. The first time he says it, he wants it to be for Shane’s ears only. And even if Shane doesn’t love Ryan back now, he still wants Shane to know. He knows Shane could fall in love with him, too.

“That’s not a question.” Ryan points out.

“Do you want me to drink this one for you?” Shane says quietly.

Shane is so afraid, how had Ryan not seen it before?

“Yes, please.”

Shane smiles unsteadily and downs his drink, “Only for you, baby.”

Ryan quickly points at Shane and says, “We need to talk.” before he does a quick outro for the camera, leaving the rest of the crew to wrap it up.

Shane sits still. Ryan lays his hand on top of Shane’s, slides it purposely up his elbow and grabs on, “Let’s go, big guy.”

 

*

 

There’s something his grandmother, with all of her superstitions, would say. She was not one to believe in many popular ones, but she had her own passed down to her from her mother, and her own grandmother. She would always tell him, whenever he dropped a plate, or a glass, whenever he stepped on a branch out on their strolls and it startled him as a child. She would tell him that objects held tension, bad, nervous energies, and they could only be released once they were broken. _It’s good to break things once in a while,_ she would say to him. _Break it and release the bad, make way for the good._

They make their way to an empty shooting room. No one tried talking to them after they had finished probably sensing the tension between them. Ryan can feel it now standing in the room, can see it in Shane’s drawn shoulders, the deafening silence coming from him. He makes his way around, giving him direct access to the door should he need it.

Still, Ryan crowds in closer to Shane, closer than he usually would, it means he has to look up to meet his eyes. Shane’s throat moves in a swallow.

“I recognized my fear in you.” Ryan’s hands are shaking, he takes one of Shane’s tentatively in his own, “That’s why I took the shot for you.”

Ryan has a small moment to admire Shane’s face. He has beautiful eyes, the color of sepia and ancient trees, long straight eyelashes, eyebrows perfectly framing it all. And Ryan knew all this before, but this time he lets himself really look.

“What fear?” Shane whispers, his eyes fixed on their joined hands. Ryan moves his thumb across the back of Shane's hands.

He takes a step closer, now fully in Shane’s space. He can feel his breath as it falters. “Why did you take my shot for me?” he asks.

“I didn’t think you wanted to answer that question,” Shane says simply.

“What question?”

“If- If you loved me, or not.”

“It wasn’t a question,” Ryan says.

“Yeah, I know, Ryan-”

“But I would have said it if we hadn’t been in front of an audience.”

“I- uh…” Shane says dumbfounded.

“I love you, Shane.” Ryan breathes it out, terrified.

“Oh.” Shane’s shoulders relax, “When you say you love me-”

Ryan surges up to his toes and kisses him. Shane’s hand immediately winding around his waist.

“I mean it like this,” he says, brushing the words against his lips.

“ _Ohh,_ ” Shane's eyes sparkle beautifully as he laughs.

Ryan tastes the sound of his laughter, presses in to kiss it right out of his mouth. He moves his arms to wrap them around Shane’s neck, bringing their chests together. Their lips slide softly, Shane’s tongue pushes in, licking around Ryan’s teeth, and Ryan gasps. Shane slows, “You taste like alcohol,” he says, pressing a small kiss to Ryan before he pulls back.

Ryan wants him back desperately, “I’m not drunk, Shane,” he moves his hand to Shane's cheek, brushing it with his thumb, he takes that moment to brush his finger lightly beside Shane’s eye, on his mole, like he’s wanted to do for so long.

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long, Shane, you have no idea,” and he kisses Shane where his fingers were just moments ago.

Shane’s breath stutters, sighing deeply, and he puts his own hand on Ryan’s face, his eyes full of emotion. Ryan wants to kiss him on the lips again, an urge so demanding, it scares a part of himself that is worried about coming on too strong, but before he can lean in again, Shane bends down and kisses him instead, “Oh, Ryan,” he says, “Ryan, Ryan, Ryan…”

Shane presses a kiss against his lips each time he says his name. Ryan is incandescent with warmth. He’s going to melt from the inside out, or he will burst, volatile with how happy he is.

“I wanted us to be closer,” Shane lowers his voice, intimate. “That is why I agreed to be in the video.”

They’re still holding onto each other, Shane leaning against the door, Ryan leaning against Shane.

“Curly said we would be asking each other personal questions,” Shane snickers, “Although, I didn’t think they would get quite so personal.

“But I wanted us to know each other better,” Shane dips his head down to Ryan’s neck, hiding his face in the crook of his shoulder, “bonding deeper with you as friends do is complicated. I wanted to get closer to you when we were alone at your house or mine, but I was afraid you’d see how much you mean to me, how my feelings for you run deeper than friendship.”

Ryan’s heart is thundering in his chest, he’s sure Shane can feel it, but he can feel Shane’s thundering in return, and that makes it ok.

Shane pulls back and looks at Ryan, his eyes calm and soft, “I’ve loved you for a long time.”

It’s Ryan’s turn to be delighted, his laughter bubbling out of him. Shane laughs back, his cheeks ruddy. There’s a welling of emotion in Shane, Ryan can see it clearly. It’s been tightly contained for so long and it’s spilling now, unbidden and freely. The sweet laughter from his mouth, the fevered press of a kiss against Ryan’s lips. Ryan slides his palm across Shane’s face to the back of his head, the warmth of tears on his fingertips goes unmentioned.

Ryan’s mind flashes to the mirror from last night, and how nonsensical it all seems now.

They didn’t need to fear the breaking of boundaries between them.

“We didn’t have to be afraid,” Ryan says.

Shane nods in agreement, “Yeah, not of you. And never of me, Ry.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first foray into fanfiction since I was a tiny 14-year-old almost a decade ago, and I think it shows, but please tell me what you think! Thank you for reading.


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